How to Raise Happy, Healthy Kids with Your Ex

Are you tired of playing joint-custody tug-of-war with your Ex? Would you rather be paying for your kid’s needs than paying your custody attorney? Discover the How-Tos of mutual respect with your Ex and co-operation in your shared parenting plans. Find advice that’s miles apart from the usual divorced-parent information found in any ordinary shared-custody parenting class. These 5 Steps to Successful Co-parenting give you, your Ex, and your children the support you need most.

Divorced with kids, but still playing the “who’s-right, who’s-wrong” game? Are your attempts to co-parent plagued by leftover anger and unsettled arguments from the past? If you’re angry, confused, or just wondering how in the world you will ever be able to share the responsibility of raising your kids with your Ex, then read on.
Five Steps to Co-parenting for Happy, Healthy Kids

Here are five simple steps you can follow to cultivate a co-parenting relationship that will help you, your children, and your Ex-Spouse to flourish – even after divorce. While the steps are simple, using them successfully still requires both commitment and follow-through. But anything worth doing is worth doing well. And isn’t having happy, healthy kids worth it to you?
Step One: Clarify Your Intention

Are you clear about your co-parenting intentions? But first, do you know the difference between an intention and a strategy? Knowing this difference is essential.

Your intention can be described as your values expressed as a vision for a particular situation in an area of your life. Your strategies are specific plans or results that will give you what you value.

If you don’t understand this, you’ll tend to get stuck on whether or not other people agree with your strategies. This can leave people feeling defensive and closed-minded. Even worse, being attached to a particular strategy dramatically limits your opportunities to be satisfied.
One strategy = One opportunity

You might have adopted the strategy to hold a family meeting every week that everyone must attend. But what is your intention that had you pick this strategy? You intention may have been to create a peaceful, supportive atmosphere for your kids to grow up in.

But there are many strategies for creating this intention. And when you’re clear about the intention, it remains possible even if your specific strategy fails.

A critical first step is to create a detailed vision, or clear mental image, describing what you value that you would like to experience in your co-parenting relationship, for you, your kids, and your Ex.
Step Two: Get On The Same Page

Do you share the same vision and want the same results? After you get clear about your values and what you would like to experience, get together with your co-parent and explore what they want. It’s critical that you keep at this dialog until you’re just as sure that you each understand what the other person wants as you are about what you want yourself.

And remember to keep all strategies out of this part of the discussion. They are important, but they come later.

After you each clearly understand what you both value about co-parenting your children, then co-create a shared intention about what you want. Start small but build big.

To begin with, it shouldn’t be difficult for you and your Ex to agree that you value your kids happiness, security, education, etc. List all the things you both can easily agree that you value for your children.

Then you can start tossing out strategies like family meetings, but just use these as opportunities to get to what you value. Keep adding to the list of values that you can be on the same page about until you have a WOW experience, like this: “Wow! If we could create that for our kids I’d be overjoyed!” Then you know you’ve co-created a powerful intention for your kid’s future.

When you begin by getting on the same page, you pave the way for easy agreements, successful results, and greater satisfaction for everyone along the way.
Step Three: Negotiate

Will you take your own and your co-parent’s needs into consideration? Will you keep negotiating until both of you are satisfied? Do you know the difference between negotiation and compromise? It’s another difference that is essential to understand for success in your co-parenting relationship. Compromise begins when you identify what everyone wants. Then you see who’s willing to give up part of what they want until everyone can live with what’s left. It is a lose-lose solution.

Compromise is based in scarcity thinking: the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get in order to get anything at all. Negotiation, on the other hand, begins when you identify what everyone values and then determine what’s missing in the situation. Why don’t you have what you value now? Then you keep your attention focused on what you value while you co-create strategies that will satisfy everyone.

Negotiation is based in abundance thinking: the belief that if we truly understand the problem the perfect solution will present itself.

When you believe it’s possible for everyone to be satisfied – no compromise necessary – you’ll have the confidence to stick with the process until it works. Never give up on the values you hold for your kids: that they continue to learn, grow, and know that they are safe and loved.
Step Four: Create Powerful Agreements.

Now that you’ve negotiated a plan, what needs to happen and who’s willing to do which parts? Often when people think they’ve made agreements, in reality they’ve only expressed vague understandings of what they want and how they would like that to happen. This is wishful thinking – not agreeing.

Powerful agreements are specific about who, what, when, and how. They require positive confirmation of each person’s willingness and commitment to co-operate with the plan.

If anyone is unwilling to clearly commit to an action it only means that there is something they value that hasn’t been considered in the plan. It’s simply an opportunity to revisit your shared intention and renegotiate your strategies.

Powerful agreements are made joyfully because you clearly see how they support your vision and values.

Step Five: Set Up Accountability

Will your agreements continue to work for everyone in the family? Will they create the results you want? Without accountability you can’t know if your agreements are actually working. By the time you finally find out that they aren’t, you may have already built up dangerous levels of frustration, resentment and resignation.

You create accountability by setting specific times to follow up on your agreements. Then discuss how things are working and see what changes might be needed. If you practice accountability with your co-parent it will build trust and confidence.
Accountability meetings allow you to practice all 5 Steps of Successful Co-parenting.

1. Do you still have a clear Intention?
2. Are you still On the Same Page?
3. Do you need more Negotiation?
4. Is it time to make new Agreements?
5. How will you ensure ongoing Accountability?
Co-parenting is challenging enough when you’re married. When you throw in the upset and stress of divorce, the likelihood of difficulty and disappointment skyrockets, because you and your Ex bring old baggage into this new relationship, habitual patterns and unresolved issues are guaranteed to come up.

Remember that clarifying your intention focuses you on what you want, and understanding what everyone values in the situation creates the possibility of everyone being satisfied.

With your commitment and focused attention, you can build a successful co-parenting relationship and open the way to raising happy, healthy kids together.
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A Mom’s New (School) Year’s Resolutions

I sit in the pre-dawn hours of the morning of the first day of another new school year, coffee and planner in hand, contemplating what lies ahead. The year is off to an auspicious start: I’ve set my alarm sufficiently early to allow for quiet devotional time and reflection before rousting my boys from their beds. Backpacks sit at the ready, filled to the overflowing with labeled school supplies. The number two pencils are sharpened to a deadly point with not a single eraser chewed off yet. School uniforms have been pre-laundered and ironed. We’re ready – at least for the first day of school.

In my quiet time, I contemplate how to make this the best school year ever for my children. With a sixth grader and one heading off to high school, I face the logistical dilemmas that confound so many other mothers – how to get everyone where they need to be, on time, with the things they need, all at the same time.

In my own life, I find great value in setting and actively pursuing resolutions, defined goals, to achieve desired results. I don’t wait for New Year’s to set resolutions – it can happen at the start of a new liturgical season, the beginning of a month, or even any day ending in the letter “y”. My goals for my sons’ new school year remain the same year after year. I hope this will be a year filled with spiritual and academic growth, fun times with their friends, and pursuit of new and favorite extracurricular activities.

Here are some of my specific resolutions to help make this school year the best ever for our family:

* Pray on the Way – Keeping prayer time central to our family life is important to all of us, but we sometimes let things slip around our house. This year, I commit to a time of prayer with each of my boys on our way to school in the morning. This is a tradition begun by my own mother and one that’s become reflexive in our family. As soon as the car is turned on prayer begins, setting the tone for the day and offering it to God as a sign of our love. A friend told me last year that she frequently asks her children, “What would you like for me to pray for?” This simple phrase has led to wonderful discussions and yet another way for me to support and encourage my children in their daily lives.

* Be Organized – I typically get off to a good start at the beginning of the school year, but somehow lose the “eye of the Tiger” on family organization just when it’s most needed. I will keep a family calendar, consulting it frequently and anticipating events in advance. I will communicate with my husband about times when he may be needed to “pinch hit” with rides, homework help, brownie baking and other facts of school year life. I will have a good sense of not only what each day holds, but also what the scope of the week looks like. Conflicts and surprises will occur, but not when I should have been planning for them and just dropped the ball.

* Family Dinner – I will make every effort to prepare and serve healthy meals for my family. This will involve being a better shopper, since a big part of my problem with cooking is not having the right things in the pantry. With our family members being busier than ever, our dinners together (whenever they are possible) will be a retreat and a chance for needed communication. I will not give in to the rat race and find myself “driving through” on the way home from Football practice because there’s nothing healthy to cook at home.

* Homework Helper – I will give my sons the tools they need to thrive academically. This will include a quiet environment in which to do homework, the supplies necessary to do the job, and a supportive attitude. I will encourage, not nag, and will try to help them to establish the good time management skills that will serve them in their future lives.

* Spread the Love – As frequently as possible, I will tell my sons how much I love them and how very proud I am of them. I will keep critical comments to myself and will encourage them positively to live up to their full potential. I will exalt in their happy moments and will lovingly support them through tough times without dwelling to much on the “I told you so” moments. I will remind my husband frequently of how much I value him as a partner, a co-parent and a friend. I will not let tiredness or frustration dictate the tone of my conversation with my family. I will collect as many hugs and kisses as I can get from growing boys!

I’m hoping to look back on my list of resolutions in the not-to-distant future and to be able to give myself a “check plus” on these few simple goals for our family. A Mom’s job is never done, but it’s great to take time along the way to refine and enhance our performance in what is surely our greatest responsibility – the raising of Godly and happy children.

Lisa M. Hendey, wife and mother, is webmaster of www.CatholicMom.com. Visit her at www.lisahendey.com.