The Effects of ADD on the Family

Children who have been diagnosed with ADD can be disruptive to say the least. Parents are often tempted to use corporal punishment because they feel that nothing less will get a child’s attention. Parents will try everything from emotional black mail to ignoring the problem to care taking in order to try and manage the situation. I know from experience with my nine year old that nothing seems to work.

Unfortunately, individuals with ADD do not respond well to any kind of punishment, whether it is corporeal or emotional. In the case of children, attempting to discipline them with violent acts only teaches them that violence is the best way to resolve conflicts. You cannot teach an individual with ADD to be accountable for their actions. All you can really do is minimize the heart-rending guilt that they feel when they do commit a misdeed.

Many parents of ADHD children are still waiting for their child’s case of the “terrible twos” to be over even after the child has reached adolescence. These impulsive and hyperactive children are often unable to “look before they leap” and cause serious safety threats to the entire family. As children with ADHD are also usually very creative and intelligent, it is difficult to quell their curiosity. They are always getting into medicine cabinets, trying to cook supper on their own and seeing how high they can climb up a tree. To make things worse some ADHD children have perceptual, coordination and balance disorders that affects their judgment when it comes to determining whether or not they are about to put themselves in a precarious position. This also leads to a lot of spills, breakage and loss of valuable property. I should know my nine-year is like a bull in China shop.

Individuals with ADD or ADHD can also cause serious emotional rifts between yourself and other members of your family. For instance, siblings of a child with ADD can act up because they feel they deserve the same kind of attention and focus that is given to the child who is misbehaving all the time. They may also resent the child and shun them from their social circle because they are embarrassed by his or her behavior. Physical and emotional injuries are frequent as conflicts break out between frustrated siblings and baffled sufferers of ADD. My older children are furious I spend so much time withy troubled nine year old.

Parents and spouses of ADD afflicted individuals may also find themselves taking a lot of heat for the behavior of there loved ones. Parents may be admonished by grand parents and friends and advised to discipline the child more often. Some parents may suffer from low self-esteem as the result of repeated accusations of not knowing how to raise a child. Some ADD children scream and act out so much that the neighbors and teachers suspect the parents of abuse. Teachers may also suspect a negligent or abusive family life is behind the child’s disturbed behavior. As the parent of one of these possibly ADD kids I can tell you that this is definitely not the case. I am a good mother. Still it can be hard to tell others why your kid acts up so much.

Getting to Know Stepkids

I have my own kids but I also have stepkids. Getting to know them has been a challenge. This is because I did not count on them as being as aware of their situation or capable of judging me so acutely. In fact if I have ever done anything wrong it has to do without giving them enough credit. The fact is they are human beings and they need to adjust to things. Pretending that they don't need that is the worst thing you can do but that is exactly what most people do …pretend the kids are like littler robots. The opposite is true. Children are very sensitive to even the subtlest of shifts in family dynamics.

My stepkids were quite young when I first met their dad. My stepson was six and my stepdaughter was 4. They had a real difficulty adjusting to the four children that were mine suddenly entering their life.

Weirdly I was closer to them in the beginning of the relationship then I was in the years further down the line. Blending my family together was harder than I thought and it was not the fault of the stepkids. Sometimes my own kids were feeling replaced.

As our family was now a whopping six kids I found myself neglecting all of them. This is because my new husband and I were spending all of our time managing schedules or money. There just was not enough time for one on ones with them. It was like I lost touch with them. Then emotional problems and conflicts started happening. It was because I was not there to extend a helping hand to them in the first place.

Yet another trial I had to face was the admitting to myself that they did not see me as being one of the families. I assumed it for the longest time but then I overheard them talking one day. I was not really 'one of them.' Their idea of family was their dad and the mom that they felt should be living with them. I was not a bad guy but I was certainly no replacement for their biological mother and I would never live up to her image in a million years. At first my feelings were hurt by this but in time I learned to accept it.

Don't expect this situation to change fast either. My stepdaughter does also not want to admit that her parents will never get back together. This is normal, but can be upsetting to a stepmom to hear as it is makes you feel so helpless and powerless.

Children are also more territorial than the worst of alpha dogs. Expect to do a lot of separating and Time Outs as your children will fight continually with your children over he stupidest things.

There are some things that you can do that can really help this situation. One of them is to definitely make friends with their real mom or other parent if he or she exists. I was blessed with a friendly situation so this was possible.