Getting to Know Stepkids

I have my own kids but I also have stepkids. Getting to know them has been a challenge. This is because I did not count on them as being as aware of their situation or capable of judging me so acutely. In fact if I have ever done anything wrong it has to do without giving them enough credit. The fact is they are human beings and they need to adjust to things. Pretending that they don't need that is the worst thing you can do but that is exactly what most people do …pretend the kids are like littler robots. The opposite is true. Children are very sensitive to even the subtlest of shifts in family dynamics.

My stepkids were quite young when I first met their dad. My stepson was six and my stepdaughter was 4. They had a real difficulty adjusting to the four children that were mine suddenly entering their life.

Weirdly I was closer to them in the beginning of the relationship then I was in the years further down the line. Blending my family together was harder than I thought and it was not the fault of the stepkids. Sometimes my own kids were feeling replaced.

As our family was now a whopping six kids I found myself neglecting all of them. This is because my new husband and I were spending all of our time managing schedules or money. There just was not enough time for one on ones with them. It was like I lost touch with them. Then emotional problems and conflicts started happening. It was because I was not there to extend a helping hand to them in the first place.

Yet another trial I had to face was the admitting to myself that they did not see me as being one of the families. I assumed it for the longest time but then I overheard them talking one day. I was not really 'one of them.' Their idea of family was their dad and the mom that they felt should be living with them. I was not a bad guy but I was certainly no replacement for their biological mother and I would never live up to her image in a million years. At first my feelings were hurt by this but in time I learned to accept it.

Don't expect this situation to change fast either. My stepdaughter does also not want to admit that her parents will never get back together. This is normal, but can be upsetting to a stepmom to hear as it is makes you feel so helpless and powerless.

Children are also more territorial than the worst of alpha dogs. Expect to do a lot of separating and Time Outs as your children will fight continually with your children over he stupidest things.

There are some things that you can do that can really help this situation. One of them is to definitely make friends with their real mom or other parent if he or she exists. I was blessed with a friendly situation so this was possible.

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Leaving Your Kids Alone

Are you working your kids too hard. The latest movement in parenting is to leave your kids alone and I think I agree. They only get to be innocent and happy for so long. I am not even such a fan of homework for that very reason. Schools and governments are tyrannical and laying the homework on too thick. Furthermore too many kids that I see, especially ethnic ones, are coming up from school and then stuck working in the family business. Some of these poor kids are working twelve-hour work days between their part time jobs, homework and going to school in the first place.

Then there is the other type of parent that can't leave their kid alone because they are trying to raise a genius. They cram the kids day full of activities like judo, tennis, piano and art class. At home they are put on a program of watching educational televise or working on the computer. Now wonder our kids are so tired. Is a wireless Nintendo that far of a cry away from just handing the kid their own organizer like a Blackberry.

All these activities that we force on our kids impose costs on the parents and they also don't levee your kid any breathing room so he or she can just fool around. Yet another problem with overworking your kids is that it can cause their creativity to be stifled. Yet another problem is that children will develop the attitude that they always think they need others to do stuff for them on a full time basis. They forget to use their own problem solving abilities and fail to see innovative solutions or even obvious solutions to problems. They are overstrained.

Leaving your child alone does not mean being negligent. However it does mean being a little more carefree when it comes to raising them. You don't have to watch them every minute. And you do not have to run every single hour of their lives. Let them breathe and take a stroll every now and then. We are raising kids that are anxious way before their time. Many of them deal with the anxiety that we lay on them with bad habits. Younger children pick their nose or bite their nails. Older children start smoking, drinking and doing drugs. They are self-medicating to eliminate their anxiety.

You need not worry that your kid will be too lazy if you are not on his or her back all of the time. Most kids, when left to their own devices do find something to do. They like to be busy but on their own terms. Doing things on their own terms allows them to discover what they like doing in life as well as their own limitations. Without you around always making decisions for the kid they can learn to make decisions on their own. The result is a healthier, wiser and more confident adult in the end.

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